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Dear Faculty Relations: I have struggled to effectively respond to feedback and criticism when I’ve impacted someone with my words or actions. I want to be open to the possibility that I have caused harm, especially because that is never my intent. How can I handle these situations without getting defensive? —Trying to Remain Open 

Dear Trying: In many instances, we can begin to frame feedback and criticism as information that could be beneficial for us. To do this, we need to slow down, pause, and take a breath. It can help to visualize the criticism floating by or dissipating around us rather than landing like a brick in our stomach.  

Adopting a curious attitude allows us to consider feedback. Start by thanking someone for sharing their concern. Whether we agree with someone’s perspective or not, it is true for them. They wouldn’t be sharing it if they thought they were wrong. Ask yourself, “What are they offering that I can learn from?” even if it feels like you are being attacked. Having this goal in mind in these challenging moments can help us remain open.  Ask questions to learn more about their perspective. Allow them to express their thoughts while truly listening instead of planning our response while they talk. 

Reflect on what we’ve understood them to be saying and summarize it back. We have the option to end it here and ask to circle back with the person later. Maybe we need to take time for more reflection. 

If we do share our perspective, it’s critical we avoid being dismissive. One way to do this is to use the word “AND” not��“BUT.”��For example, “I hear your concern, AND I would like to share where I am coming from.” If we come to realize that we’ve made a mistake, we can apologize. An apology shouldn’t include the word “but” and should focus on our actions, not our intention or the person’s response to us. We can end by thanking them again for being willing to talk through a problem with us.  

Remaining non-defensive is hard work, so thank you for being on the journey. 

Written by Teresa Wroe and Julie Volckens from the Prevention Education and Assessment unit in the Office of Institutional Equity and Compliance (OIEC). November 2023��

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